I don't see anybody clutching their pearls and screeching "BI!!!" when straight girls call their friends pretty or are jealous of an Instagram model's face or think a female celeb is beautiful. Everybody seems to understand that aesthetic appreciation does not equal sexual attraction in that case.
Wild that people are harassing you like this, I am so sorry.
I kept interrupting my own read to make notes on all the things I want to say, I got SO excited reading about this. And not in a sexual way; I want that clearly understood, right up front, because yes, people mistake meaning all the time, instead of asking questions to clarify.
I've been out for, OMG, 50 years. 50 years? How did that happen? But I digress.
I love what I've read so far, but I have impulse control issues, so I'm jumping down here first, to simulate a conversation, and tell you how much I love this.
My coming out story is layered, complex, and was entirely codependent...with my father. We came out at. the same time more or less. I was an enabling teenager in love with my dad. He had tremendous guilt. I knew he was gay before he finally admitted it, and I was his child caretaker. He came out, and I basically said, "I am, too!" Not because it wasn't true, it was. But, I was 15, and attracted to boys as well as girls. And I pushed that part of me down. And my dad pushed that part of me down because he needed same-same so much to assuage his guilt. And I had a job. I had to take care of my poor, sad, lonely, guilty, lovely dad.
I don't want the labels so much anymore. I'm not so interested in pursuing sexual relationships lately, but alway open to that possibility. But even while not having sex I am not calling myself a lesbian as much as I used to. Because a lovely word came along that fits me SO MUCH BETTER. I am a happily rainbow-hued QUEER. QUEER covers all the possibilities. And truly, my first go-to will always be women, but there are definitely men in the world who turn my head. It's my life. I can do whatever works for me. And I don't have to explain the WHYs of it to anyone.
I'm cool with being me. Whatever that means. And I'll finish reading this essay later, and most like be back to comment some more.
You're fabulous. My newest label is "Bitchy History and ProfessorMeredith's Biggest Fan."
And yes! Today in one of my MA courses we were discussing compulsory heterosexuality and I mentioned that I think compulsory homosexuality can also be a thing in the queer community. The concept of "you must be gay like us" or you aren't gay enough.
I use queer and lesbian kind of interchangeably (which is a big no-no for some) because they both describe parts of my sexuality. The crossover between sexual attraction, intellectual attraction, and kink is confusing and multilayer and can't be so easily defined.
True! Oh, I forgot to say something in my earlier comment. In one of my many (former) forays on dating apps, I saw the word "sapiosexual" and felt like I found the right descriptor for me. Because, smart women? An absolute must. But that's a pigeonhole, too. So, it's absolutely required and fits nicely under my definition of what queer is for me. Never going to be the same definition as someone else's. I'm really good with that. I use lesbian too. I don't want to be wed to one definition. I contain (as they say) multitudes. I like it that way. If more of us could just leave people alone and. let them define what works for them, I think we'd all be a lot happier. In 12-step programs, it's referred to as minding you own side of the street. Yes, indeedy. xo
“Aesthetic Honesty”. That is the absolute PERFECT description of what should be an otherwise benign concept, yet such observations continue to be rife with vile accusations and audits of what “kind” of human being one is.
Not fragile like a flower, fragile like a bomb. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone else who you see as gorgeous and who you choose to have a relationship with. I have always found other women to be beautiful, but I am as straight as an arrow. I always said to my sons, I don’t care who you choose to love, as long as they love you and you treat each other well, that’s what matters.
PS I am Christian and there are many who don’t share my views but love is love ❤️
I prefer not to comment on sexuality, but will say a few things. I do agree about bisexuality not being workable for some people. Even if they're technically bisexual. To me bisexuality defers to the binary and heteronormative life, with optional sexual practices or relationships as part of it. And if I'm wrong, that's still the way I see it for myself. I don't feel like it welcomes me as a trans person. But it doesn't matter anyway. And it's not bothering me whether someone uses that term. Still useful.
The other day I read someone's article and they said in effect that we cannot keep politics or society out of a person's bedroom. That it's going to be running things. And there may be some truth to that. Because we carry cultural conditioning around in our minds. Even people that say clothing is not gendered is a little strange to me. We are highly conditioned about clothing (fishnet stockings are not a men's item the last time I checked. But they can wear them if that does anything for them).
And I like to think if people walk into their bedroom and close the door behind them that they are free to do what they want and they are not being policed by culture/politics. In my mind, if two lesbians are in a bedroom by themselves with the strap, that doesn't mean they're submitting to the patriarchy or hetero phallic centrism. It's a sex toy.
This reminds me of a line in the 1979 film version of Hair, when one of the main characters is asked if he's gay. His rely is "well I wouldn’t throw Mick Jagger out of my bed, but no, I'm not gay."
This is great. You said so much better and more comprehensively what I tried to write in an old blog years ago, that everyone loves these labels because we love putting things in boxes, but sexuality is also profoundly personal. Let people use or eschew the labels they want.
Honestly, I got pretty confused by all the terms pretty quickly, but I think you can be whoever you want to be. Whether there’s a term for it or not doesn’t really matter.
I don't see anybody clutching their pearls and screeching "BI!!!" when straight girls call their friends pretty or are jealous of an Instagram model's face or think a female celeb is beautiful. Everybody seems to understand that aesthetic appreciation does not equal sexual attraction in that case.
Wild that people are harassing you like this, I am so sorry.
To be fair it was maybe a dozen people on Threads that were mad about it. But it's not the first thing I've seen it happen to others.
One purity tester is one too many IMO. I'm glad you're blocking them - not worth a second of your time.
I kept interrupting my own read to make notes on all the things I want to say, I got SO excited reading about this. And not in a sexual way; I want that clearly understood, right up front, because yes, people mistake meaning all the time, instead of asking questions to clarify.
I've been out for, OMG, 50 years. 50 years? How did that happen? But I digress.
I love what I've read so far, but I have impulse control issues, so I'm jumping down here first, to simulate a conversation, and tell you how much I love this.
My coming out story is layered, complex, and was entirely codependent...with my father. We came out at. the same time more or less. I was an enabling teenager in love with my dad. He had tremendous guilt. I knew he was gay before he finally admitted it, and I was his child caretaker. He came out, and I basically said, "I am, too!" Not because it wasn't true, it was. But, I was 15, and attracted to boys as well as girls. And I pushed that part of me down. And my dad pushed that part of me down because he needed same-same so much to assuage his guilt. And I had a job. I had to take care of my poor, sad, lonely, guilty, lovely dad.
I don't want the labels so much anymore. I'm not so interested in pursuing sexual relationships lately, but alway open to that possibility. But even while not having sex I am not calling myself a lesbian as much as I used to. Because a lovely word came along that fits me SO MUCH BETTER. I am a happily rainbow-hued QUEER. QUEER covers all the possibilities. And truly, my first go-to will always be women, but there are definitely men in the world who turn my head. It's my life. I can do whatever works for me. And I don't have to explain the WHYs of it to anyone.
I'm cool with being me. Whatever that means. And I'll finish reading this essay later, and most like be back to comment some more.
You're fabulous. My newest label is "Bitchy History and ProfessorMeredith's Biggest Fan."
xo
Awww! Loved reading this comment.
And yes! Today in one of my MA courses we were discussing compulsory heterosexuality and I mentioned that I think compulsory homosexuality can also be a thing in the queer community. The concept of "you must be gay like us" or you aren't gay enough.
I use queer and lesbian kind of interchangeably (which is a big no-no for some) because they both describe parts of my sexuality. The crossover between sexual attraction, intellectual attraction, and kink is confusing and multilayer and can't be so easily defined.
True! Oh, I forgot to say something in my earlier comment. In one of my many (former) forays on dating apps, I saw the word "sapiosexual" and felt like I found the right descriptor for me. Because, smart women? An absolute must. But that's a pigeonhole, too. So, it's absolutely required and fits nicely under my definition of what queer is for me. Never going to be the same definition as someone else's. I'm really good with that. I use lesbian too. I don't want to be wed to one definition. I contain (as they say) multitudes. I like it that way. If more of us could just leave people alone and. let them define what works for them, I think we'd all be a lot happier. In 12-step programs, it's referred to as minding you own side of the street. Yes, indeedy. xo
Or as Taylor Swift puts it "I keep my side of the street clean" 😂
Precisely.
I wish more people did that…which is possibly hypocritical when my academic field is basically gossip with better methodology.
“Aesthetic Honesty”. That is the absolute PERFECT description of what should be an otherwise benign concept, yet such observations continue to be rife with vile accusations and audits of what “kind” of human being one is.
Exactly! You get me.
Not fragile like a flower, fragile like a bomb. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone else who you see as gorgeous and who you choose to have a relationship with. I have always found other women to be beautiful, but I am as straight as an arrow. I always said to my sons, I don’t care who you choose to love, as long as they love you and you treat each other well, that’s what matters.
PS I am Christian and there are many who don’t share my views but love is love ❤️
A wonderful essay! Thank you.
Thank you! I enjoy turning my absurd internet encounters into rambling theory articles 😂
I prefer not to comment on sexuality, but will say a few things. I do agree about bisexuality not being workable for some people. Even if they're technically bisexual. To me bisexuality defers to the binary and heteronormative life, with optional sexual practices or relationships as part of it. And if I'm wrong, that's still the way I see it for myself. I don't feel like it welcomes me as a trans person. But it doesn't matter anyway. And it's not bothering me whether someone uses that term. Still useful.
The other day I read someone's article and they said in effect that we cannot keep politics or society out of a person's bedroom. That it's going to be running things. And there may be some truth to that. Because we carry cultural conditioning around in our minds. Even people that say clothing is not gendered is a little strange to me. We are highly conditioned about clothing (fishnet stockings are not a men's item the last time I checked. But they can wear them if that does anything for them).
And I like to think if people walk into their bedroom and close the door behind them that they are free to do what they want and they are not being policed by culture/politics. In my mind, if two lesbians are in a bedroom by themselves with the strap, that doesn't mean they're submitting to the patriarchy or hetero phallic centrism. It's a sex toy.
This reminds me of a line in the 1979 film version of Hair, when one of the main characters is asked if he's gay. His rely is "well I wouldn’t throw Mick Jagger out of my bed, but no, I'm not gay."
This is great. You said so much better and more comprehensively what I tried to write in an old blog years ago, that everyone loves these labels because we love putting things in boxes, but sexuality is also profoundly personal. Let people use or eschew the labels they want.
Honestly, I got pretty confused by all the terms pretty quickly, but I think you can be whoever you want to be. Whether there’s a term for it or not doesn’t really matter.