Individual couples can divide labor however they want. That is not the same thing as a society telling women they were born to scrub pans and manage male feelings.
This is such a clear articulation of something that’s often reduced to “who does what.”
What stands out is how much of this isn’t conscious.
It doesn’t feel like a role being performed. It feels like the only available way to be.
That was my experience for a long time.
I learned early how to be needed—whether I wanted to be or not. And I became very good at it.
So good that I disappeared inside it.
And from the outside, it didn’t look like imbalance. It looked like functioning.
What I’ve come to understand since is that these patterns don’t just exist at the level of roles or expectations.
They get encoded.
So even when the external structure changes, the internal pull toward that role can still be there—unless something deeper shifts at the nervous system level.
That’s the piece that feels missing in most conversations about this.
We got married in the 70s and spent tge first couple of years trying to conform to traditional gender roles. Then we realised we were working against who we were. My husband loved cooking, found it relaxing, while for me it was a necessity. I was good with money and enjoyed painting and decorating. Him, not so much. So we leant into our 'specialisms' and did the other stuff together. And were much more fulfilled. So sad that, all these years later, there is still pressure to conform to patriarchy's rigid conditioning.
Love this so much!!! So clear…thank you…should be required reading.
Me too. Perfect 👌
I agree. Gender roles aren't so clear cut. Especially in the big 2026
Spot on! These days, it feels like one step forward, two steps back. Especially when thing like wife school keep popping up: https://theequitablehome.substack.com/p/wife-school-a-six-week-course-in?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=5zf76s
The wife school off so much! The article this guy was commenting on was actually about just that!
Wow! 🤯 I so love this! Clean in its delivery.
This is such a clear articulation of something that’s often reduced to “who does what.”
What stands out is how much of this isn’t conscious.
It doesn’t feel like a role being performed. It feels like the only available way to be.
That was my experience for a long time.
I learned early how to be needed—whether I wanted to be or not. And I became very good at it.
So good that I disappeared inside it.
And from the outside, it didn’t look like imbalance. It looked like functioning.
What I’ve come to understand since is that these patterns don’t just exist at the level of roles or expectations.
They get encoded.
So even when the external structure changes, the internal pull toward that role can still be there—unless something deeper shifts at the nervous system level.
That’s the piece that feels missing in most conversations about this.
Brilliantly put. Thank you!
We got married in the 70s and spent tge first couple of years trying to conform to traditional gender roles. Then we realised we were working against who we were. My husband loved cooking, found it relaxing, while for me it was a necessity. I was good with money and enjoyed painting and decorating. Him, not so much. So we leant into our 'specialisms' and did the other stuff together. And were much more fulfilled. So sad that, all these years later, there is still pressure to conform to patriarchy's rigid conditioning.
I love this deeply