There I was at eight o’clock at night, tired, cold, and spiritually prepared to go home, watch television, and fall asleep in the deeply unglamorous way God intended, when one man decided that public transit was no longer a shared civic arrangement but a stage for his own personal nonsense.
This essay is exquisite. Usually I’ll find one line that jumps out but there were too many well-made points and one-liners to grab just one. I appreciate your analysis and I’m also furious at the truth of it. As a woman, I wish that I could be the one on the bus who says the thing but in a clinch I’m not sure I could overcome decades of training. This should be required reading.
They might be weak in a crowd, but what happens if he follows me? Recognizes me in public later when I'm not on a crowded bus? Women have to consider these things.
Several months ago, I was driving home from the grocery store.
A section of road near my home, was closed off on both ends for construction, so only local traffic was allowed to enter.
There were no traffic control people, just the construction workers and their equipment.
Since the equipment was spaced out along this stretch of road, the cars would drive very slowly one at a time, waiting for the people coming from the other direction to go through.
While I was taking my turn, a big, black, jacked up truck came driving from the opposite direction at a high speed.
When I realized he was not going to wait, I pulled as far over to the right as possible and stopped, hoping he would at least not hit me.
He then turned his wheel and came driving straight at me, stopping inches from my front bumper, directly in front of me.
He started honking and screaming for me to back up.
When that did not work, he turned on his emergency blinkers to add to his tantrum…. almost comical.
I glanced over to my left, and could see that he actually had plenty of room to drive past me.
Instead he continued pitching a fit, as I sat still wondering what the fuck was happening.
Two of the construction workers walked over to his drivers side window for a conversation, and then they came over to my window and told me to back up.
I said, “he has plenty of room to drive past”.
They went back to his window and came back to mine, telling me to please just back up.
Something inside me just could not do it.
I’ve had over sixty years of this shit.
I said, “so because he is a raging asshole, you want me to solve the problem by backing up”.
One of the workers said, “do you want me to call the police?”.
I said, “go ahead”.
Then a school bus pulled up behind the raging maniac, so the construction workers tried to use that to get me to move, by saying I was holding up a school bus full of children.
I said, “he is holding up the bus, and can just drive on his side of the road”.
The asshole then yelled, “if she just backs up one inch, I will go around”.
I put my car in reverse and back in drive, which cased it to rock back a fraction.
The dumbshit then backed up off my front bumper, and drove past while trying to throw some of his garbage in my window.
I wondered who the psycho was going to beat when he got home.
Then I had to spend days processing the madness. 😒
"Then I had to spend days processing the madness." is exactly it.
We have to absorb this behavior and get told to excuse it, as if the fact that they were allowed to get to adulthood with this level of entitlement means that we all just have to accept it.
I live in a very rural area of England where giving way and backing up are a way of life, but mostly it’s done reciprocally, with one backing up while the other goes onto the verge a bit and we all get along, literally and figuratively.
But this one day I’m going to work on a stretch I know well and going down a narrow part of the road I meet a car coming the other way. Now I know that behind me there is no passing space for a hundred yards or so, and that behind him there’s a nice one about 20 yards back.
So I sit there looking at him and he sits there looking at me. And I think to myself I am not going to move. And my daughter says “Muuuum, are you going to move?” And I say “no”. And fully 10 minutes later he backs up and I mouth a thank you at him as I drive past.
I was lucky. I was in a nice big solid car which could lock. I was not on a bus where I could be hit or worse. But it felt good.
British roads must be SO stressful for that if someone isn't cooperating. I was just in Greater Yarmouth last week and a friend was driving and even in town there are streets like that.
You get used to it even in towns in places like this but just occasionally I feel the need to take a stand and almost invariably it’s an entitled bloke in a big SUV whose need to get to wherever is just so much more urgent than anyone else’s and I want to say “if it was that bloody important why didn’t you leave home earlier you ***%^^**!”
Exactly! We structurally teach them that their wishes, needs, and desires are to be validated and then we are surprised that as adults they are angry, vindictive, or violent when a woman tells them “no”
I don’t hold the door open or move out of the way for men anymore. I’m done.
Today I was walking my dogs at a park with a big, separate, bike trail. Instead of using the trail, this guy uses the sidewalk to cut through the playground. I heard him coming behind, he rang his bell at me. I just kept walking and said “Sir this is a sidewalk, not a “sideride” and I’m pretty sure your mountain bike can handle the grass” He turned around and took the bike trail.
I still feel like maybe I should be ashamed? I hate that my constant frustration with entitled men is bubbling just under the surface. And if I wasn’t walking 2 pitbulls, would I have been brave enough to say anything?
I refuse to step to the side when I'm walking now. If I'm on the side walk and a man is heading towards me on a collision course I just keep going until they move over. I got so sick of bobbing and weaving around men who think they own a public sidewalk.
That said I still do the basic courtesies for both men and women. The holding the door kind of stuff. Because I refuse to let myself reflexively go into that just because men suck. (Not a criticism of you at all).
Yes! You said it, you got it, bull's eye, yes! I work in a Bay Area railway station, I ride the buses, you drew the picture, I feel seen! My coworkers, we are seen!!!!
Does every woman, visible minority, person of the LGBTQIA++ community, need to carry a tazer and travel in groups?
I am fairly lucky in that I am of a good size, but I am also almost 70 years old. So this does not happen to me.
I just cannot accept this kind of behaviour in a seemingly "normal" human being. I have certainly seen similar behaviour in people with learning disabilities, severe autism etc. But these folks are not, for the most part, wandering around. Society keeps them fairly well supervised for their and the general public's safety.
Charging them as a public nusiance only exacerbates the problem. We really do need to firstly, eliminate the patriarchy and its overwhelming sense of entitlement. Then start teaching the rules of common (uncommon?) courtesy.
I will say that public transit here in the UK (in my city at least) is a lot safer than it ever was when I was using it in Arizona growing up. But yeah…there’s a lot of vigilance needed.
I thought you were speaking of an American bus experience, and honestly, it sounded more like the subway than a bus, hough the subway is probably ten times worse than I remember it.
Is it just me who is so angry and sick to death of it all that they would happily shoot them? Obviously I won't for a huge variety of reasons, one of them being I don't have a gun... But jesus I was thinking it. It's the way the scene will play out again in your head and you think of all the things you should have said/ wanted to say, but didn't, again for a variety of reasons, most of which involve your own safety. It really makes me want to scream!!
It’s times like these that one could use a nice, strong taser.
Yeeeees
How about a cattle prod?
No, please! Used by the CIA vaginally.
As a historian who focuses on the Cold War, I would not trust the CIA with that at all.
"A tiny tyrant in a tiny kingdom." So well observed and written.
This essay is exquisite. Usually I’ll find one line that jumps out but there were too many well-made points and one-liners to grab just one. I appreciate your analysis and I’m also furious at the truth of it. As a woman, I wish that I could be the one on the bus who says the thing but in a clinch I’m not sure I could overcome decades of training. This should be required reading.
Thank you! I appreciate that so much. I work shopped it in texts with my mom so I think I'll have to do that in the future more often 😂
This was one of the few essays I read out loud, to myself, allowing anger and rage of the whole shit show to come out. I DID NOT police my tone!
I keep wishing I'd just said what I wanted to say. I was somehow more mad at myself than I was at him by the time I got home. Then I was just tired.
Totally normal and relatable. The patriarchy is SO exhausting
They might be weak in a crowd, but what happens if he follows me? Recognizes me in public later when I'm not on a crowded bus? Women have to consider these things.
Several months ago, I was driving home from the grocery store.
A section of road near my home, was closed off on both ends for construction, so only local traffic was allowed to enter.
There were no traffic control people, just the construction workers and their equipment.
Since the equipment was spaced out along this stretch of road, the cars would drive very slowly one at a time, waiting for the people coming from the other direction to go through.
While I was taking my turn, a big, black, jacked up truck came driving from the opposite direction at a high speed.
When I realized he was not going to wait, I pulled as far over to the right as possible and stopped, hoping he would at least not hit me.
He then turned his wheel and came driving straight at me, stopping inches from my front bumper, directly in front of me.
He started honking and screaming for me to back up.
When that did not work, he turned on his emergency blinkers to add to his tantrum…. almost comical.
I glanced over to my left, and could see that he actually had plenty of room to drive past me.
Instead he continued pitching a fit, as I sat still wondering what the fuck was happening.
Two of the construction workers walked over to his drivers side window for a conversation, and then they came over to my window and told me to back up.
I said, “he has plenty of room to drive past”.
They went back to his window and came back to mine, telling me to please just back up.
Something inside me just could not do it.
I’ve had over sixty years of this shit.
I said, “so because he is a raging asshole, you want me to solve the problem by backing up”.
One of the workers said, “do you want me to call the police?”.
I said, “go ahead”.
Then a school bus pulled up behind the raging maniac, so the construction workers tried to use that to get me to move, by saying I was holding up a school bus full of children.
I said, “he is holding up the bus, and can just drive on his side of the road”.
The asshole then yelled, “if she just backs up one inch, I will go around”.
I put my car in reverse and back in drive, which cased it to rock back a fraction.
The dumbshit then backed up off my front bumper, and drove past while trying to throw some of his garbage in my window.
I wondered who the psycho was going to beat when he got home.
Then I had to spend days processing the madness. 😒
"Then I had to spend days processing the madness." is exactly it.
We have to absorb this behavior and get told to excuse it, as if the fact that they were allowed to get to adulthood with this level of entitlement means that we all just have to accept it.
I live in a very rural area of England where giving way and backing up are a way of life, but mostly it’s done reciprocally, with one backing up while the other goes onto the verge a bit and we all get along, literally and figuratively.
But this one day I’m going to work on a stretch I know well and going down a narrow part of the road I meet a car coming the other way. Now I know that behind me there is no passing space for a hundred yards or so, and that behind him there’s a nice one about 20 yards back.
So I sit there looking at him and he sits there looking at me. And I think to myself I am not going to move. And my daughter says “Muuuum, are you going to move?” And I say “no”. And fully 10 minutes later he backs up and I mouth a thank you at him as I drive past.
I was lucky. I was in a nice big solid car which could lock. I was not on a bus where I could be hit or worse. But it felt good.
British roads must be SO stressful for that if someone isn't cooperating. I was just in Greater Yarmouth last week and a friend was driving and even in town there are streets like that.
You get used to it even in towns in places like this but just occasionally I feel the need to take a stand and almost invariably it’s an entitled bloke in a big SUV whose need to get to wherever is just so much more urgent than anyone else’s and I want to say “if it was that bloody important why didn’t you leave home earlier you ***%^^**!”
Then there was the 12 year old boy at the swimming pool that was bullying me, and the male manager just defended the brat.
The rage inside me just keeps building. 😠
Exactly! We structurally teach them that their wishes, needs, and desires are to be validated and then we are surprised that as adults they are angry, vindictive, or violent when a woman tells them “no”
I think that's worst part, being mad at ourselves. Then we're forced to endure the outrage twice.
We need a society where the entire bus stands up as one and herds him loudly off. Every. Single. Person. Ah well. A girl can dream.
I don’t hold the door open or move out of the way for men anymore. I’m done.
Today I was walking my dogs at a park with a big, separate, bike trail. Instead of using the trail, this guy uses the sidewalk to cut through the playground. I heard him coming behind, he rang his bell at me. I just kept walking and said “Sir this is a sidewalk, not a “sideride” and I’m pretty sure your mountain bike can handle the grass” He turned around and took the bike trail.
I still feel like maybe I should be ashamed? I hate that my constant frustration with entitled men is bubbling just under the surface. And if I wasn’t walking 2 pitbulls, would I have been brave enough to say anything?
I refuse to step to the side when I'm walking now. If I'm on the side walk and a man is heading towards me on a collision course I just keep going until they move over. I got so sick of bobbing and weaving around men who think they own a public sidewalk.
That said I still do the basic courtesies for both men and women. The holding the door kind of stuff. Because I refuse to let myself reflexively go into that just because men suck. (Not a criticism of you at all).
Most men do not suck, it’s just that the assholes stand out
Yes! You said it, you got it, bull's eye, yes! I work in a Bay Area railway station, I ride the buses, you drew the picture, I feel seen! My coworkers, we are seen!!!!
You are doing the lord's work and I'm sorry you have to deal with entitled jerks.
Brilliant essay.
Does every woman, visible minority, person of the LGBTQIA++ community, need to carry a tazer and travel in groups?
I am fairly lucky in that I am of a good size, but I am also almost 70 years old. So this does not happen to me.
I just cannot accept this kind of behaviour in a seemingly "normal" human being. I have certainly seen similar behaviour in people with learning disabilities, severe autism etc. But these folks are not, for the most part, wandering around. Society keeps them fairly well supervised for their and the general public's safety.
Charging them as a public nusiance only exacerbates the problem. We really do need to firstly, eliminate the patriarchy and its overwhelming sense of entitlement. Then start teaching the rules of common (uncommon?) courtesy.
Other than that, I am at a loss.
Loking for more ideas, please.
This is one reason there are so many cars on the road, carrying only the driver. Glad you got home safely.
I will say that public transit here in the UK (in my city at least) is a lot safer than it ever was when I was using it in Arizona growing up. But yeah…there’s a lot of vigilance needed.
I thought you were speaking of an American bus experience, and honestly, it sounded more like the subway than a bus, hough the subway is probably ten times worse than I remember it.
Understandable, as I am in fact American. I just happen to be happily living abroad at present.
I am not a violent person, but I fantasize about slapping these guys silly, don't you?!?
I do…I am afraid I don’t have the upper body strength or male audacity to make assault work for me though.
I can show you some easy techniques.
If I’m going to fantasize, I just go whole hog and wish I had witch magic
I hate emotional man babies who have to be ‘managed’ like fussy toddlers and think it’s power
Reminds me of the man or the bear. And many men do not get it either. Thank you for sharing.
So relatable.
Is it just me who is so angry and sick to death of it all that they would happily shoot them? Obviously I won't for a huge variety of reasons, one of them being I don't have a gun... But jesus I was thinking it. It's the way the scene will play out again in your head and you think of all the things you should have said/ wanted to say, but didn't, again for a variety of reasons, most of which involve your own safety. It really makes me want to scream!!
Thank you for writing such a fantastic article.
Thank you for reading it!