There I was at eight o’clock at night, tired, cold, and spiritually prepared to go home, watch television, and fall asleep in the deeply unglamorous way God intended, when one man decided that public transit was no longer a shared civic arrangement but a stage for his own personal nonsense.
This essay is exquisite. Usually I’ll find one line that jumps out but there were too many well-made points and one-liners to grab just one. I appreciate your analysis and I’m also furious at the truth of it. As a woman, I wish that I could be the one on the bus who says the thing but in a clinch I’m not sure I could overcome decades of training. This should be required reading.
I don’t hold the door open or move out of the way for men anymore. I’m done.
Today I was walking my dogs at a park with a big, separate, bike trail. Instead of using the trail, this guy uses the sidewalk to cut through the playground. I heard him coming behind, he rang his bell at me. I just kept walking and said “Sir this is a sidewalk, not a “sideride” and I’m pretty sure your mountain bike can handle the grass” He turned around and took the bike trail.
I still feel like maybe I should be ashamed? I hate that my constant frustration with entitled men is bubbling just under the surface. And if I wasn’t walking 2 pitbulls, would I have been brave enough to say anything?
I refuse to step to the side when I'm walking now. If I'm on the side walk and a man is heading towards me on a collision course I just keep going until they move over. I got so sick of bobbing and weaving around men who think they own a public sidewalk.
That said I still do the basic courtesies for both men and women. The holding the door kind of stuff. Because I refuse to let myself reflexively go into that just because men suck. (Not a criticism of you at all).
They might be weak in a crowd, but what happens if he follows me? Recognizes me in public later when I'm not on a crowded bus? Women have to consider these things.
I read this aloud too. I often read aloud things that strike me as important. I decided to read it aloud just from the title.
This is well observed. I am glad to read that you kept yourself safe.
I understand why you kept quiet. It is frustrating to do so. He might remember you later on a “chance” encounter and make you pay for any perceived humiliation.
Educating the masses this way may be a better response to his entitlement. Identifying the problem is the first step in correcting it.
Yes! You said it, you got it, bull's eye, yes! I work in a Bay Area railway station, I ride the buses, you drew the picture, I feel seen! My coworkers, we are seen!!!!
The joy of being an aging white woman is the degree if privilege that comes with being a Little Old Lady... I often wade in with dickheads like this because they *know* that punching me in the face would make everyone else turn on them, and also such men often back down when recieving a strict-auntie type of scolding.
“That is such a familiar gendered split that many women will recognize it instantly. Men like this are often allowed to externalize their discomfort. They get loud. They get difficult. They perform outrage. They force the environment to respond to them.
Women are taught the opposite. Internalize. Calculate. Adjust. Stay alert. Do not become the next target. Do not make yourself memorable to the wrong man. Think three steps ahead. Keep the peace where possible. Get home safe.
This is not passivity. It is risk management.” 👏👏👏
I’m glad your piece is getting the traction it deserves. Thank you for writing it on behalf of us all. 🤍🤍🤍
Isn't that always how it goes. Spend months or years trying to get the timing right and one annoying person on a bus gets you heated enough to rant and THAT'S what does it.
Does every woman, visible minority, person of the LGBTQIA++ community, need to carry a tazer and travel in groups?
I am fairly lucky in that I am of a good size, but I am also almost 70 years old. So this does not happen to me.
I just cannot accept this kind of behaviour in a seemingly "normal" human being. I have certainly seen similar behaviour in people with learning disabilities, severe autism etc. But these folks are not, for the most part, wandering around. Society keeps them fairly well supervised for their and the general public's safety.
Charging them as a public nusiance only exacerbates the problem. We really do need to firstly, eliminate the patriarchy and its overwhelming sense of entitlement. Then start teaching the rules of common (uncommon?) courtesy.
Now imagine your government associates the right to bear arms with their penis and allows any emotionally dis regulated man to carry a weapon. The fear of every person on that bus, especially the women, increases by a 1000 percent.
Oh absolutely. I'm only living in the UK. I'm an American and I'm still affected by that fear. My reaction to cars backfiring loud enough is, I'm told, distressing to watch.
When my sons were young teenagers (now in mid-fifties) we were on a bus when three older teens got on and refused to pay. The bus driver said okay the bus will not move until you do. I noticed one of the young men was proudly holding a pair of new sneakers. I said "whoa, those look nice! Can I see one?" He handed it right over. I threw it out my open window. They all got off and we went on. I wouldn't do that today but it was a safer time.
"A tiny tyrant in a tiny kingdom." So well observed and written.
It’s times like these that one could use a nice, strong taser.
Yeeeees
How about a cattle prod?
No, please! Used by the CIA vaginally.
As a historian who focuses on the Cold War, I would not trust the CIA with that at all.
Shades of Die Hard 2.
This essay is exquisite. Usually I’ll find one line that jumps out but there were too many well-made points and one-liners to grab just one. I appreciate your analysis and I’m also furious at the truth of it. As a woman, I wish that I could be the one on the bus who says the thing but in a clinch I’m not sure I could overcome decades of training. This should be required reading.
Thank you! I appreciate that so much. I work shopped it in texts with my mom so I think I'll have to do that in the future more often 😂
We need a society where the entire bus stands up as one and herds him loudly off. Every. Single. Person. Ah well. A girl can dream.
This! ☝🏼
I don’t hold the door open or move out of the way for men anymore. I’m done.
Today I was walking my dogs at a park with a big, separate, bike trail. Instead of using the trail, this guy uses the sidewalk to cut through the playground. I heard him coming behind, he rang his bell at me. I just kept walking and said “Sir this is a sidewalk, not a “sideride” and I’m pretty sure your mountain bike can handle the grass” He turned around and took the bike trail.
I still feel like maybe I should be ashamed? I hate that my constant frustration with entitled men is bubbling just under the surface. And if I wasn’t walking 2 pitbulls, would I have been brave enough to say anything?
I refuse to step to the side when I'm walking now. If I'm on the side walk and a man is heading towards me on a collision course I just keep going until they move over. I got so sick of bobbing and weaving around men who think they own a public sidewalk.
That said I still do the basic courtesies for both men and women. The holding the door kind of stuff. Because I refuse to let myself reflexively go into that just because men suck. (Not a criticism of you at all).
Most men do not suck, it’s just that the assholes stand out
It does accumulate especially when you are in customer service. And when you get to a certain age.
This was one of the few essays I read out loud, to myself, allowing anger and rage of the whole shit show to come out. I DID NOT police my tone!
I keep wishing I'd just said what I wanted to say. I was somehow more mad at myself than I was at him by the time I got home. Then I was just tired.
Totally normal and relatable. The patriarchy is SO exhausting
Sooooo exhausting!
Self directed anger is a consequence of centuries of conditioning. You are enough, just as you are.
They might be weak in a crowd, but what happens if he follows me? Recognizes me in public later when I'm not on a crowded bus? Women have to consider these things.
I read this aloud too. I often read aloud things that strike me as important. I decided to read it aloud just from the title.
This is well observed. I am glad to read that you kept yourself safe.
I understand why you kept quiet. It is frustrating to do so. He might remember you later on a “chance” encounter and make you pay for any perceived humiliation.
Educating the masses this way may be a better response to his entitlement. Identifying the problem is the first step in correcting it.
I think that's worst part, being mad at ourselves. Then we're forced to endure the outrage twice.
Men are so emotional, they need to learn to keep their hysteria in check. Take a pill. Relax. Smile.
My new favorite phrase is testerical.
Yes! You said it, you got it, bull's eye, yes! I work in a Bay Area railway station, I ride the buses, you drew the picture, I feel seen! My coworkers, we are seen!!!!
You are doing the lord's work and I'm sorry you have to deal with entitled jerks.
The joy of being an aging white woman is the degree if privilege that comes with being a Little Old Lady... I often wade in with dickheads like this because they *know* that punching me in the face would make everyone else turn on them, and also such men often back down when recieving a strict-auntie type of scolding.
“That is such a familiar gendered split that many women will recognize it instantly. Men like this are often allowed to externalize their discomfort. They get loud. They get difficult. They perform outrage. They force the environment to respond to them.
Women are taught the opposite. Internalize. Calculate. Adjust. Stay alert. Do not become the next target. Do not make yourself memorable to the wrong man. Think three steps ahead. Keep the peace where possible. Get home safe.
This is not passivity. It is risk management.” 👏👏👏
I’m glad your piece is getting the traction it deserves. Thank you for writing it on behalf of us all. 🤍🤍🤍
I'm so shocked it got this much attention 😂
Right piece, right time.
Isn't that always how it goes. Spend months or years trying to get the timing right and one annoying person on a bus gets you heated enough to rant and THAT'S what does it.
Reminds me of the man or the bear. And many men do not get it either. Thank you for sharing.
Brilliant essay.
Does every woman, visible minority, person of the LGBTQIA++ community, need to carry a tazer and travel in groups?
I am fairly lucky in that I am of a good size, but I am also almost 70 years old. So this does not happen to me.
I just cannot accept this kind of behaviour in a seemingly "normal" human being. I have certainly seen similar behaviour in people with learning disabilities, severe autism etc. But these folks are not, for the most part, wandering around. Society keeps them fairly well supervised for their and the general public's safety.
Charging them as a public nusiance only exacerbates the problem. We really do need to firstly, eliminate the patriarchy and its overwhelming sense of entitlement. Then start teaching the rules of common (uncommon?) courtesy.
Other than that, I am at a loss.
Loking for more ideas, please.
Now imagine your government associates the right to bear arms with their penis and allows any emotionally dis regulated man to carry a weapon. The fear of every person on that bus, especially the women, increases by a 1000 percent.
Oh absolutely. I'm only living in the UK. I'm an American and I'm still affected by that fear. My reaction to cars backfiring loud enough is, I'm told, distressing to watch.
I am not a violent person, but I fantasize about slapping these guys silly, don't you?!?
I do…I am afraid I don’t have the upper body strength or male audacity to make assault work for me though.
If I’m going to fantasize, I just go whole hog and wish I had witch magic
I hate emotional man babies who have to be ‘managed’ like fussy toddlers and think it’s power
I can show you some easy techniques.
When my sons were young teenagers (now in mid-fifties) we were on a bus when three older teens got on and refused to pay. The bus driver said okay the bus will not move until you do. I noticed one of the young men was proudly holding a pair of new sneakers. I said "whoa, those look nice! Can I see one?" He handed it right over. I threw it out my open window. They all got off and we went on. I wouldn't do that today but it was a safer time.