Online harassment is not just cruelty. It is a strategy for keeping women isolated, ashamed, and convinced their problems are personal instead of political.
Wow this is powerful. Even before the internet I had spent a lifetime censoring my speech but this truly illuminates why I have removed myself from all social media platforms except this one. Never felt safe to share. But you are beautifully articulating the concerted effort to keep us quiet and this is totally f’d up. Thank you❤️
Without TikTok, about 8 years ago, I would not have been able to identify, to name, to have language for, what happened to me in my marriage. The wealth and depth and breadth of “I’ve been there before you” literally created my entire understanding of my own life. Quite literally obliterated my abyss of shame. Knowing that NOTHING that had happened to me was about me or was my fault as a wife, was like being let out of a cage I couldn’t see. I cannot express this strongly enough. I am restructured and strengthened and protected by what I learned from women saying “I’ve been there before you.” God damn, I owe those brave women TikTok posters so much. So so much. Thank you for writing this post. 💕
There was a book written a few years ago made into a movie that won an Oscar 2 years ago called! “Women talking”. It was about a Mennonite group,who had realized they were being knocked out with horse tranquilizers and raped. And not just the women but very young children. It is an excellent book that show cases your article here. I highly recommend reading it.
You are absolutely correct, women talking to women scares the crap out of a whole lot of men!
I have to be so careful about not revealing where I live online because the hatred I get in my comments and DMs are so terrifying. All because I believe that women deserve respect, and that a husband should be grateful for the sacrifices his wife makes for their family. That’s it. That’s the whole message. And it ENRAGES men so much they need to threaten violence.
And in many other places. And look at the backlash where women have made progress. Even in the US there are policies designed to control, silence and intimidate women, to the point where they have no bodily autonomy, get harassed for speaking out and are being made to jump through hoops to exercise their right to vote.
Men didn’t “give” women the vote, women organised and fought hard for it. It isn’t that long ago that when a woman married she had to give up her career. She couldn’t open a bank account in her own name and couldn’t own property.
I cry out in pain for women in any country who cannot even leave their homes without a male escort (who is he supposed to be protecting? The woman or the family’s honour?), cannot wear what she wants, cannot get an education or do meaningful work, apart, of course, from producing and bringing up strapping sons to carry on the family name.
Anyway, I shall take a deep breath and rant again another time.
Yesterday some little man took exception to the opening paragraph in my introductory article on Substack, which I had had the temerity to signpost on another substacker's thread (at their request). I didn't engage, I didn't respond, I blocked and muted him and then deleted the signpost - and then felt guilty for not stepping up to the fight, which pisses me off. Because, on the one hand; why should he get away with such hateful and misogynistic comments. But on the other, I feel that I've diminished myself and given in by simply turning away. Of course, we all know why I did that. But it still enrages me.
Don't worry, if it was a halfway enlightened thread, others will have used the doofus for a chew toy. It is better to block them, because some are truly obsessive, and unhinged.
Speaking of the history of US women organizing to petition, I find John Quincy Adams' reaction to their petitions fascinating. He clearly did not hold women equal to men by any means, and yet still considered petitioning their right (even giving biblical grounds for it) and the women in his district his constituents despite not having the right to vote. He repeatedly argued petition as women's right before Congress, even defending the character of the ladies sending the petitions when opponents went for that angle of attack (it was a common angle, women speaking in public was controversial, as Lucretia Mott was dealing with, and petitions were a form of public speech).
He didn't even have to agree with the petitions to be willing to present them! He was 100% sure women had the right to send them and be heard, his feelings didn't matter.
This is such an amazing piece. Thank you. As someone who was born in the mid-60s I am all too familiar with women being told to be quiet; to be seen but not heard. As a young girl, growing up in an Italian-American family, some of the most interesting conversations I witness happened at family gatherings, when all the women were in the kitchen and the men were either in the other room or outside, utterly clueless as to what was being discussed in the kitchen. I am certain the men thought they were gossiping. If they only knew what was really being said.
Fantastic article! I couldn’t help but to keep restacking like every other paragraph because it was so on-the-nose and well-written! ❤️ Women being prevented from talking to each other happens in films/TV shows (especially those written by men), too. They often have one token female character who is the male protagonist’s love interest and who never talks to another woman. So few movies pass the Bechdel Test — two female characters who both have names & talk to each other about something other than a man. I’ve noticed that movies/TV shows written by women often do pass the Bechdel Test, though! Women talking to each other is extremely threatening to the patriarchy, for all the reasons you listed! I think this fear intersects with lesbophobia and biphobia also because I imagine men additionally fear that if women talk to each other too much they might not only become friends and co-conspirators against patriarchy but also fall in love, rendering men irrelevant to women’s experiences of love, marriage, child raising, etc.!
Wow this is powerful. Even before the internet I had spent a lifetime censoring my speech but this truly illuminates why I have removed myself from all social media platforms except this one. Never felt safe to share. But you are beautifully articulating the concerted effort to keep us quiet and this is totally f’d up. Thank you❤️
Absolutely nails it….simply brilliant and so clearly written. Thank you for identifying something we all feel in our bones.
Yes, discrimination is structural and misogyny is the cultural policing of it. Women should talk.
Without TikTok, about 8 years ago, I would not have been able to identify, to name, to have language for, what happened to me in my marriage. The wealth and depth and breadth of “I’ve been there before you” literally created my entire understanding of my own life. Quite literally obliterated my abyss of shame. Knowing that NOTHING that had happened to me was about me or was my fault as a wife, was like being let out of a cage I couldn’t see. I cannot express this strongly enough. I am restructured and strengthened and protected by what I learned from women saying “I’ve been there before you.” God damn, I owe those brave women TikTok posters so much. So so much. Thank you for writing this post. 💕
There was a book written a few years ago made into a movie that won an Oscar 2 years ago called! “Women talking”. It was about a Mennonite group,who had realized they were being knocked out with horse tranquilizers and raped. And not just the women but very young children. It is an excellent book that show cases your article here. I highly recommend reading it.
You are absolutely correct, women talking to women scares the crap out of a whole lot of men!
I have to be so careful about not revealing where I live online because the hatred I get in my comments and DMs are so terrifying. All because I believe that women deserve respect, and that a husband should be grateful for the sacrifices his wife makes for their family. That’s it. That’s the whole message. And it ENRAGES men so much they need to threaten violence.
And those men call them selves christians too, I will bet.
Women’s voices are literally banned in Afghanistan.
And in many other places. And look at the backlash where women have made progress. Even in the US there are policies designed to control, silence and intimidate women, to the point where they have no bodily autonomy, get harassed for speaking out and are being made to jump through hoops to exercise their right to vote.
Men didn’t “give” women the vote, women organised and fought hard for it. It isn’t that long ago that when a woman married she had to give up her career. She couldn’t open a bank account in her own name and couldn’t own property.
I cry out in pain for women in any country who cannot even leave their homes without a male escort (who is he supposed to be protecting? The woman or the family’s honour?), cannot wear what she wants, cannot get an education or do meaningful work, apart, of course, from producing and bringing up strapping sons to carry on the family name.
Anyway, I shall take a deep breath and rant again another time.
Hugs, girl. I feel you.
Bless your heart, Piny. Thank you.
I do have a t-shirt that says “I hope you like feminist rants because that’s kind of my thing”.
Hugs back ❤️
And the theocrats in the current regime like Russell Vought are jealous and want that here.
Yesterday some little man took exception to the opening paragraph in my introductory article on Substack, which I had had the temerity to signpost on another substacker's thread (at their request). I didn't engage, I didn't respond, I blocked and muted him and then deleted the signpost - and then felt guilty for not stepping up to the fight, which pisses me off. Because, on the one hand; why should he get away with such hateful and misogynistic comments. But on the other, I feel that I've diminished myself and given in by simply turning away. Of course, we all know why I did that. But it still enrages me.
Don't be angry with yourself. These people just want to engage in bad faith. Don't let them drain your energy.
Thank you
Don't worry, if it was a halfway enlightened thread, others will have used the doofus for a chew toy. It is better to block them, because some are truly obsessive, and unhinged.
This is just one reason why it is so important for women to have female- only spaces. So that in these spaces the female experience is centred.
Women talk:
https://youtu.be/geaNxgFqOlA?si=dmpd_vVsA3Me6smH
And we should continue to do so. As you say: You call it gossip. I call it a feminist information network.
Bravo 👏
Thank you for this. My Women Are Talking Salon free to all subscribers holds its first gathering June 30.
Speaking of the history of US women organizing to petition, I find John Quincy Adams' reaction to their petitions fascinating. He clearly did not hold women equal to men by any means, and yet still considered petitioning their right (even giving biblical grounds for it) and the women in his district his constituents despite not having the right to vote. He repeatedly argued petition as women's right before Congress, even defending the character of the ladies sending the petitions when opponents went for that angle of attack (it was a common angle, women speaking in public was controversial, as Lucretia Mott was dealing with, and petitions were a form of public speech).
He didn't even have to agree with the petitions to be willing to present them! He was 100% sure women had the right to send them and be heard, his feelings didn't matter.
This is such an amazing piece. Thank you. As someone who was born in the mid-60s I am all too familiar with women being told to be quiet; to be seen but not heard. As a young girl, growing up in an Italian-American family, some of the most interesting conversations I witness happened at family gatherings, when all the women were in the kitchen and the men were either in the other room or outside, utterly clueless as to what was being discussed in the kitchen. I am certain the men thought they were gossiping. If they only knew what was really being said.
I believe we should endeavor to respond to this mass psychological abuse with extreme aggression. I’m going to write a out it I’m half finished lol
Fantastic article! I couldn’t help but to keep restacking like every other paragraph because it was so on-the-nose and well-written! ❤️ Women being prevented from talking to each other happens in films/TV shows (especially those written by men), too. They often have one token female character who is the male protagonist’s love interest and who never talks to another woman. So few movies pass the Bechdel Test — two female characters who both have names & talk to each other about something other than a man. I’ve noticed that movies/TV shows written by women often do pass the Bechdel Test, though! Women talking to each other is extremely threatening to the patriarchy, for all the reasons you listed! I think this fear intersects with lesbophobia and biphobia also because I imagine men additionally fear that if women talk to each other too much they might not only become friends and co-conspirators against patriarchy but also fall in love, rendering men irrelevant to women’s experiences of love, marriage, child raising, etc.!
Excellent as always.